True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,

But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

The sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much

Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well

Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4.

Only people who live or have lived in New Jersey will like this one!!! BUT I LIVE HERE AND THINK ITS FUNNY,,,
NO?? YOU DON'T???? Okay???
This might even be true about some other city in AMERICA!!! Some cities close to NJ (and I am not naming them) are like Bagdad,, as many killing in a day.
We all need to take more care of one another, not be doing these awful things to one another,, don't you think???? Any way that's what Grand Pa, thinks,,,,,,,,,take care!

PICKING ON LITTLE OLD NEW JERSEY !!!!

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"Hey what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate.
""Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life.
It is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world.
"The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."

Some of you might be too young to remember these "Good Old Days".
"Blast From The Past" What a great blast from the past! I haven't thought about "fender skirts" in years.
When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Nowadays we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me. On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
I always loved going to the "picture show". Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s phrase I came across the other day..... "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food for thought:
What happened to "lumbago"? Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore. Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me, and I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.

Remember Sept 11 th,, here is a way to do that!

Subject: September 11th, 2006, an American flag should be displayed
Let’s do it!!!

Please join us in this FLY THE FLAG campaign and PLEASE forward this email immediately to everyone in your address book asking them to also forward it. We have a little less than one week and counting to get the word out all across this great land and into every community in the United States of America . If you forward this email to least 11 people and each of those people do the same...you get the idea.

THE PROGRAM IS THIS:

On Monday, September 11th, 2006, an American flag should be displayed outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the United States Every individual should make it their duty to display an American flag on this fifth anniversary of our country's worst tragedy. We do this in honor of those who lost their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting at home and abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms.

In the days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have all but disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough times and it shouldn't take another attack to galvanize us in solidarity. Our American flag is the fabric of our country and together we can prevail over terrorism of all kinds.

Action Plan: So, here's what we need you to do...

(1) Forward this email to everyone you know (at least 11 people). Please don't be the one to break this chain. Take a moment to think back to how you felt on 9/11 and let those sentiments guide you.

Subject: The proposal
The older you are the funnier it gets...........
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.
The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes', or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart. "The widower was delighted.
He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me." LORDY, I HOPE I NEVER GET THIS OLD!!!!!! FRAN

This is my gift to you, a laugh for the day!!

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then, why do you give a shit?"

TRUE STORY I CHECKED IT OUT!!

Checked this out at http://www.truthorfiction.com/ and it is true. D.
Subject: Fw: IWO JIMA
----- True story written by Michael T. Powers
"A Tale of Six Boys"
Each year I am hired to go to Washington, DC, with the eighth grade class from Clinton, WI where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me.This fall's trip was especially memorable. On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial.This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history -- that of the six brave soldiers raising the American Flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima, Japan, during WW II. (The statue is located in Arlington, VA. over looking the Potomac River and DC.) Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked, "Where are you guys from?" I told him that we were from Wisconsin. "Hey, I'm a cheese head, too! Come gather around, Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story."
(James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC, to speak at the memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who has since passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, D.C., but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night.) When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak. (Here are his words that night.)
"My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called "Flags of Our Fathers". It is the story of the six boys you see behind me. "Six boys raised the flag.The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called "War." But it didn't turn out to be a game. Harlon, at the age of 21, died with his intestines in his hands. I don't say that to gross you out, I say that because there are generals who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old.
He pointed to the statue) "You see this next guy? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.
"The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the "old man" because he was so old. He was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn't say, 'Let's go kill some Japanese' or 'Let's die for our country.' He knew he was talking to little boys. Instead he would say, 'You do what I say, and I'll get you home to your mothers.'
"The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona. Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, 'You're a hero.' He told reporters, 'How can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive?' So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of our classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32, ten years after this picture was taken.
"The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky. A fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. His best friend, who is now 70, told me, 'Yeah, you know, we took two cows up on the porch of the Hilltop General Store. Then we strung wire across the stairs so the cows couldn't get down. Then we fed them Epsom salts. Yes, he was a fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age of 19. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to his mother's farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into the morning. The neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.
"The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite's producers, or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back.' My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell's soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press.









"You see, my dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, 'cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima, they writhed and screamed in pain.
"When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero.. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, 'I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.'
"So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time." Suddenly, the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless. Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the current War on Terrorism and all the wars in between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and thank God for being alive and being free at someone else's sacrifice. REMINDER: Everyday that you can wake up free, it's going to be a great day
Great story - worth your time. Please pass it along.

THIS one you MUST READ!!!

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True Story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this...
NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

What the heck are you doing????

To who ever is sending all the emails,, to my mail box,, please stop it!!!
You are wasting your time and mine, and they are just going into the junk box..
I am just doing this for a little FUN, nothing serious!!
I collect things, and have them here to sell if someone else wants them,
but to send 35 emails signed ANONYMOUS, one day and 35 the next,
is really stupid,
I have read some of the the other blogs and WOW, some are really something!!(laughing),
but I am just an old person having fun, and trying to give some one something to smile about
with the jokes,
So, go play some where else,, and don't do this any more,,I'd appreciate it,,
(and darn you made me go look up all these big words!!)
I still am old Grandpa!!

GOOD ADVISE!!!

NOW, THIS IS GOOD ADVISE, DON'T YOU THINK??
SO, FIND SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT,,,, I'LL TRY KEEPING SOMETHING HERE TO HELP YOU DO THAT!!
GRANDPA.........

WHAT DO YOU THINK???

I beleive this is AMERICA'S number one AMERICAN!! What do you think??? Grandpa!!

This is true about Grandparents!

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~
Gene PerretMy grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.~
Welsh ProverbPerfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.~
Gore VidalNever have children, only grandchildren.~
Ogden NashWhen grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.~
Marcy DeMareeGrandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.~
Lois WyseIf I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first.~
Henry YoungmanMy grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses .. Drinks right out of the bottle.~
Mary H. WaldripGrandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.
~ProverbYou do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.~
Dave BarryThe best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.~
Alex HaleyNobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.~
Joy HargroveOne of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.~
G. Norman CollieGrandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.~
Authors UnknownGrandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside
.Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

Happy 4th !!!

TO ALL YOU " GUYS AND GALS" OUT THERE,,
STAY SAFE ,
HAVE A GREAT TIME, with your kids,
BE HAPPY ,
HAVE A GREAT TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES.
BUT NO DRINKING AND DRIVING !!!
WE WANT TO SEE EVERY ONE BACK FOR ANOTHER HOLIDAY!!
Some old time advise - from -- old Grandpa!!

EVER THOUGHT OF DOING THIS IN WALMART????

Our old friend, John, recently retired and, to help fill his days, now accompanies his wife on her shopping trips to the local Walmart.We know John and, therefore, can only speculate that extreme boredom has led to his recent disruptive behavior at the local WalMart...**********************************************************
Dear Mrs. Volo,Over the past six months, your husband, John has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against John have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally WorrywartPresidentWal-Mart Complaint Department MEMORe: Mr. John Volo - Com plaints - 15 Things Mr. John Volo has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
1. June 15, took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2, set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals
.3. July 7, made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19, walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares..." and watched what happened.
5. August 4, went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14, moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15, set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23, when a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4, looke d right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10, While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti depressants are.
11. December 3, Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6, In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18, Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"(And; last, but not least!)15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

GUYS,YOU REALLY NEED TO READ THIS ONE!!

This is on you will repeat I am sure !! From the old Grandpa!!


A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said:
"I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL YOU GUYS , BE YOU,, FATHERS , GRANDFATHERS,
SONS , SON-IN-LAWS, UNCLES ,.GOD FATHERS,, ANY GUY WHO LOVES A CHILD!
OKAY NOW TIME TO FEED THE FISH!! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FISH POND?
SINCE MY DOG DIED , THESE ARE THE ONLY THINGS I HAVE TIO THINK ABOUT FEEDING!!
OH, NO I FORGOT THAT STUPID PARROT !! HAVE A GREAT FATHERS DAY,,, FROM JUST OLD GRANDPA!!

Time to feed the fish!!

PROMISE,if you read this you will say-- YEH!!!!

Somebody definitely needs a raise!!!
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down and after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him, "How many customers >bought something from you today?
The kid says "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 customers aday.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65, and that included the proper taxes.
The boss says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department an sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"
The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

THE LAUGH FOR THE DAY!! Fathers Day is coming soon!!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?******
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"-*****
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself," *******
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. ******
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ********
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1.. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.*******
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.*********
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." *******
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." *****
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."*******
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.